I failed.
There, I said it.
I did not succeed, everything was not “good,” and it hurt; and here I am, broadcasting it to the world.
Two years ago, I went to go take the last of my nursing school finals for the first semester of my junior year. I got my grades back, and I didn’t make the cut by four points. Four. I cannot describe how incredibly disappointed I was. Hurt, confusion, anger, and bitterness consumed me. I had struggled all year, praying that God would help me through that last little bit. He responded with a resounding “no,” and in that moment, I thought that was it. Maybe if I had listened a little longer I would have heard something more, but I was too absorbed with self-pity to hear anything at the time.
I had three options: transfer to a different nursing school, change my major, or take a year off from nursing school until I retook the failed class.
Instead of taking a year off from school, I decided to add a minor. I had always dreamed of doing medical missions, so Spanish seemed like a complementary option.
Months into my Spanish classes, I realized I would need a big chunk of Spanish credits at once to complete my minor. Coincidentally, Union had just made a relationship with a study abroad program in Quito, Ecuador, the only faith-based program that Union offered that also had a medical/Spanish internship for credit hours. During those seven weeks in Ecuador, I learned more about culture, language, and God’s presence internationally than I ever thought possible.
As American, millennial college students, we are told constantly that success in school and our chosen vocation is the pinnacle of our existence. I wrapped my identity too much in the fact that I was a nursing student. Four missed points, and part of my identity was ripped off. It was then I realized something hard: I had put more of who I was into school than I had into who God had asked me to be when I gave up my life for him.
Two years later, I’ve never been more grateful for failure. My sad identity of “student first” is gone. I spent seven weeks in one of the most beautiful countries on earth, learning so much about life, culture, and Spanish. I am now in my senior year of nursing school and praying to graduate in May. Taking five years to finish school is not part of the normal college experience, but THAT IS OK. I used to think that I wanted to reach that pinnacle set for me by Western society. I have since learned that God doesn’t really function by the rules of society, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
Written by Bre Clendenin. Originally published in the Fall 2017 Cardinal & Cream magazine, available online on Nov. 20, 2017.
