Perspective submitted by Miles Randall.
If one wishes to study the peculiar species known as the “College Student,” one needs look no further than the Brewer Dining Hall. Like a Saharan oasis, the cafeteria draws in many different varieties of creatures to feed. In this article we shall attempt to shed some light on the fascinating world of the denizens of the fascinating place known as “Cobo”
Like the creatures of an oasis, the college students often stay together in groups. Whether this is some form of survival tactic is unknown. What is known, is that they have several different ways of marking their territory.
One of the most popular marking methods is the “Clutter” method. In this method, a herd of students will leave various items such as binders, backpacks, and clothing at the table of their choice and then leave for around fifteen to twenty minutes to forage for food. This method effectively blocks access to the table by physically prohibiting an invader from sitting down.
The second method is known as the “Matching” method. In this method, a group of students will all wear matching shirts denoting their loyalty to a certain group or sport. This method is similar to the method found in nature of “warning colors” as it effectively scares off outsiders by making them feel intimidated since they lack the proper markings.
The rarest method of claiming ownership to a table is called the “Hormone” method. In this method, a couple will sit down at a table intended for ten or more students and will forget about their food as they are overcome with each other’s presence. Due to the average college student’s aversion to witnessing these mating rituals, these two students will keep sole control of the table for the duration of the meal.
Besides those groups who practice these unique methods of claiming and keeping territory, there are also those who prefer to hunt for food on their own. These solitary students who wish to sit alone are often confused with the advanced scouts from those who eat in packs. However, there are several signs which will help distinguish them from their more sociable peers.
For instance, the average scout will be constantly scanning the faces of those entering Cobo in an attempt to find his or her friends. On the other hand, the loner will have their gaze securely fixed on their food or on their homework. That leads to another difference, if a lone student appears to be studying or getting work done in some form or another he or she is most likely not a scout. Another tell that gives away a scout is their tendency to wave or shout a greeting at random people in the cafeteria, something a loner does not do. However, the clearest sign of the loner is the headphones, this headgear is the ultimate warning to stay away as they are clearly not interested in hearing anything from anyone.
Besides those already comfortably enjoying their tables, there are “Hunters.” Like those in nature, these Hunters eagerly hunt for territory as soon as they arrive at their food source, in this case, as soon as they arrive at Cobo. They are often characterized by searching different tables in an attempt find either friends or unclaimed territory. There are several varieties of Hunter.
One unique species of Hunter is the “Lone Hunter.” These individual’s only objective is to find an empty table where they can sit down and enjoy solitude. These can be easily spotted by how they avoid speaking to others and how they walk with their head down at top speed in an attempt to trample anyone who tries to speak to them.
The opposite of the Lone Hunter is the “Pack”. This is a large group of students who refuse to leave each other’s side whether getting food or finding a table. They can often be heard before they are seen, but they can be easily spotted by their tendency to block the drinking fountain as they engage in conversation.
The “Confused” student is yet another species of Hunter. These are often either freshmen or introverts who are overwhelmed by the large crowd of humanity. They can be easily spotted, as they often make several laps around the cafeteria with a dazed look on their face until a friend physically grabs them and forces them to sit down. Students who stay up all night studying also display these symptoms.
Two final species of Hunter are the “Extrovert” and the “Desperate.” The Extrovert attempts to greet everyone in the entire cafeteria before sitting down. This type requires patience to spot, but they will eventually become apparent as it often takes them a good half-hour to finally sit down. The Desperate Hunter is much more precise about where he or she sits. These Hunters could care less about the actual food and are much more interested in members of the opposite gender. For instance, a male Desperate Hunter can be easily spotted by their tendency to eagerly scan the Cobo crowd in search of a target before immediately heading for the table with the loneliest looking females.
This has been a very brief overview of those fascinating creatures which inhabit the cafeteria. This only scratches the surface as there are many more fascinating groups and rituals in this oasis. However, unlike a true oasis, these groups rarely mix. It is subject of debate whether this is good or bad. Regardless, this completes our report on the rare species known as the college student and their natural habitat.
