“Divorce means that I had to deal with my parents as children instead of adults.”
“Divorce means that my mother didn’t speak to me for four months.”
“Divorce means that I had to explain to my kids why we wouldn’t see Papa anymore.”
These were just a few of the gut-wrenching quotes from Tamarin Huelin, Ken Litscher and Amanda Larson-Wells in the Grant Center on Tuesday night at the introduction to Finding You at the U, an annual event sponsored by Union’s counseling services in which students gather to listen to speakers and discuss controversial topics within our culture and in the church.
Students grew silent as they listened to guest speaker Kristine Steakley, author of “Child of Divorce, Child of God: A Journey of Hope and Healing.” Steakley began with a story from her days in high school. She talked about how, in the yearbook of her Christian school, senior students were required to share their “life verse.” She said some students managed to have fun with the idea and were creative in the verses they chose, but that a lot of kids chose the classic verse for all graduating seniors, Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for you to prosper, and not to harm you.”
Steakley took a moment to talk about the context of the well-known verse. During the time it was written, false prophets were spreading fake news and false hope to the people of Judah in Babylon. Jeremiah, “the weeper” and often the bearer of bad news, had to tell the people to unpack their bags, go ahead and plant some crops, get married and have their babies because the struggles they were facing at the time would last for another 70 years. This meant that the next generation would be elderly before the people were ever free from their shackles in Babylon.
Unfortunately, this is the way it is for children of divorce. They are living in a war, navigating the choppy waters of a constantly shifting reality, and they can never go back home–they are stuck in Babylon. And it is right in the center of this place that God speaks the words to his people of Judah: Jeremiah 29:11.
According to Steakley, children of divorce often go through a period of grief, and this is to be expected. They have experienced something worth grieving. Divorce can bring the loss of homes, families or schools. The children live different lives. Maybe the church didn’t respond well. But often times, children feel the need to suppress this grief.
“While children are grieving, parents or grandparents may be celebrating in relief,” Steakley said.
She explained that this grief has to have an outlet. That may be through anger, withdrawal or self destructive behaviors. This grief may be delayed for months or even years. At the time, children may be under the perception that sadness should be dealt with quietly.
“They feel like there’s a time for grief, and it doesn’t matter when that time is,” Steakley said. But no matter how well adjusted a child of divorce may be, experiences can bring it all back up.
Steakley then moved into her own experience of growing up without her father after her parents divorced. She said that she experienced a lot of fear, including violent nightmares.
“I would often dream that a stranger would murder the whole family with an axe or a chainsaw,” she said. “Like something out of a scary movie.”
This was extremely disconcerting, especially since Steakley wasn’t a fan of the horror genre. She found that nightmares, often along the same lines as hers, were common in children of divorce who usually appeared to be unscathed by their shattered homes. Children of divorce have similar fears because the divorce left them feeling vulnerable when they should have felt protected.
“Many of them saw their fathers leave the home, and not having male presence in the home made them feel vulnerable,” Steakley said. She mentioned that there are other reasons for fear in children of divorce, such as violence in the home or trust issues that stem from watching parents break promises in their worst moments.
Steakley then talked about some children of divorce stereotypes, and she quickly debunked them.
One stereotype is that children of divorce are doomed in the language of love. Steakley recalled a roommate and friend she had in college who once said, “I would never marry a guy whose parents are divorced.” She now has been married to her husband for over twenty years who comes from divorced parents.
“The message is that people should never marry children of divorce. They have too many things stacked against them,” Steakley said. “Not true.”
The labels of drug and alcohol abuse, depression, academic failure, never being able to marry or difficulty forming lasting relationships are, unfortunately, true for some children of divorce, but not every child.
Steakley went on to say that some children of divorce use the traumatic experience to their own advantage later in life by learning from it. They become independent and learn to think ahead in life. They are determined about marriage and keenly aware of mistakes their parents made, making them determined not to make the same mistakes.
Children of divorce have a lot to conquer. They may struggle with communication skills or have trust issues. They shift reality entirely and have to navigate between lives. They may need to forgive one or both of their parents or perhaps own a sense of shame and fear. But Steakley offered words of encouragement to those who have undergone such an earth-shattering experience.
“God is in the business of taking messes and turning them into something beautiful that he calls his own,” Steakley said to the captivated crowd. “God is not made in the image of our earthly fathers, it is the other way around, and the copy is never as good as the original… the Heavenly Father never gets it wrong and can always be trusted.”
Steakley reminded everyone that we are fully redeemed by God. Children who have endured divorce are not bound by statistics. They may have to acknowledge the struggles that stem from that, but their awareness may make them better at realizing how relationships work. Steakley encouraged those who do not come from divorced families to pay that blessing forward and be there for friends who do come from that.
“No matter what sort of battle you are living in, no matter how long you stay there, God has plans for you,” Steakley said.
After Steakley finished, student leaders from the Panhellenic Council, MOSAIC, University Ministries and Residence Life led round-table discussions in response to the information shared.
Austin Hamlett, a junior at Union said, “Tonight showed me that despite the relationships, whatever that may look like, with your parents, your relationship with God is always going to be strong and he is never going to abandon you or let you down.”
“It really helped me understand the thought process that every child of divorce goes through,” freshman Layton Estes said. “It was really enlightening to hear about those experiences and what they can lead to later in life.”
Further information and resources are available about the support groups and ongoing discussions or help for children struggling with divorce through the university counseling services.
