This article was originally published in the Fall 2018 edition of Cardinal & Cream’s print magazine.
The seven of us gather around Ashley Akerson’s coffee table on a warm, partly-cloudy afternoon, each holding one of her charming mugs with a design different from all the rest. Our goal is to have an honest conversation about singleness — what that looks like personally and what that looks like for the Union community — not because we see this reality as a hardship in nature or as our primary point of identification as women, but rather because we seek to acknowledge this state of being as valid and beautiful, sharing perspectives which may be common yet commonly unrecognized.
Joining the Conversation: Ann Singleton, Associate Provost & Dean for Instruction; Ashley Akerson, Resident Director for the Heritage Complex; Erin Slater, Director of the Center for Academic Support; Julie Bradfield, Director of University Ministries & Director of Mobilization; Aubrie Brister, Junior Nursing Major & Resident Advisor; and Suzanne Rhodes, Sophomore Journalism Major & News Editor for C&C
MATTANAH: How can we see singleness as a gift rather than an obstacle to overcome?
ASHLEY: I lived in a very sheltered home, so I was never allowed to date anyone until I got to a certain age. However, my mom never let me know what that certain age was. I’m very much a rule follower and I suppose I just never asked. So there’s that. I’ve loved single life. I’ve also had many dreams like many girls do of getting married and what that may look like. But I’m learning to live in the present and just enjoy life for what it has.
JULIE: A helpful framework for me has been that the Lord does not withhold good. So if he doesn’t withhold good, that means the things that he has given me are good. That includes being single.
SUZANNE: In the movies we watch and in the media, there’s an underlying idea that people who are single are less-than, unhappy, crazy, obsessive. Then once they’re coupled, it’s like they’re a complete being now.
But it’s not any less of a life if you’re single. If you’re in a relationship, it’s not a completion of your life. It’s just different. Not less or better. There’s different blessings and hardships associated with each.
MATTANAH: What does contentment look like, practically? What does it take to live fully right now?
ERIN: Contentment isn’t about what one has necessarily, but rather about the posture of that person’s heart.
SUZANNE: And contentment isn’t purging yourself of the desire for something you don’t have. It’s understanding that even if God doesn’t give you what you’re actually wanting that you still trust him.
ERIN: …like being able to hold desire in one hand, but being comfortable with the singleness in the other.
SUZANNE: Yes! Jesus didn’t necessarily want to go to the cross. He actually asked God if there was another way. But he was content in it, because he wanted to do God’s will, God’s way. That’s something I’ve had to wrap my mind around. Is my life going to be ok even if…
ANN: And even though it may not feel good, we trust, so we’re willing to embrace it.
ASHLEY: Ever since I’ve accepted this job, there will be moments when I need to vent or just fellowship with different people. Often, I’ll think, Oh I need a guy — so he can listen to all my whining I guess? But guys don’t even want that.
In the times when I turned to prayer and told the Lord that I just needed a good friend or someone who could hear me out, he has showed up in exponentially more ways than I could ever imagine. There have been weekends where I think, God I just need a friend today. Then I walk into church and — and this has literally happened — two people come up to me and say, “I just want to be your friend!”
MATTANAH: How have you addressed sexual temptation?
AUBRIE: I was reading a book by Rosaria Butterfield called The Secret Thoughts of An Unlikely Convert, and she talks about how so many Christian people think that once they get married, they’ll no longer watch pornography, no longer masturbate, because having sex with their spouse will fix those things. But that’s false and is the primary reason why 50 percent of Christians still get divorced. Marriage does not redeem sin; only Christ can do that. We often look at marriage as a redeeming factor, when Jesus should be where we go to find freedom from sin.
JULIE: Going off of that, I actually just finished Jackie Hill Perry’s book, Gay Girl, Good God and very similarly, one of the things she talks about toward the end is how the church deals with LGBT and singleness. She uses the terminology of a ‘heterosexual gospel’ and how in a sense what the church has laid out is for somebody coming out of any of those areas of sin and exchanging that idol for the idol of marriage.
ERIN: Also, when I think about how we’ve been created, the need for physical contact is one of the important needs that I think God has build into us — even in the form of a little kid coming up and sitting on your lap or holding your hand. But I think it’s tough in the Christian circles to do that appropriately. That’s something I think we could do better as a community, as we realize just how far and how helpful the small act of physical touch can go. Especially when that’s your love language. Some people may not want that, but that’s high on my list.
[*JULIE slowly reaches over to pat ERIN‘s hand as everyone bursts into laughter.*]
JULIE: I tell the guys in my office, ‘Don’t touch each other!’ when they walk up and start massaging each others’ shoulders. Every time, I think, ‘My neck is so tight right now, but I can’t ask you to do that for me!’ Not that I think it’s inappropriate for them to do that for each other, but… [*laughing*]
ERIN: …but you want that too!
MATTANAH: What are some of the stigmas associated with being single, and how are those stigmas perpetuated on Union’s campus?
ERIN: I think one way it gets perpetuated is in chapel. I think so many of our speakers, in an attempt to relate to students, talk about their experience of meeting a boyfriend or girlfriend — of course most of the time they’re men, so it’s “meeting my wife.”
ASHLEY: Which is another discussion altogether…
ERIN: There really are, though, so many other ways to relate to students. Speakers’ using their relationship experience at Union feels like the cheap and easy way for people from the stage to relate to students, and I think it just perpetuates the I’m less than, I’m not complete, and I’m missing out on something if this doesn’t happen at this time.
AUBRIE: I had a Board of Trustees member talk to me about that. I was at a dinner, and he told me I better find a husband here. It was the first semester of my freshman year.
ANN: Oh, bless you, my child!
ERIN: It’s unfortunate!
AUBRIE: And I almost wonder if he would’ve said that if I had been a guy. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. I would really love to be a wife and mom someday, but I think a lot of times it’s assumed that men are here to get their careers and then women are here to get their husbands. Well, I’m in nursing school, and it is so hard! I wouldn’t be learning all that I’m learning just to get a man.
ANN: I think it goes back to our purpose here. Why did God create me and for whom and for what good work? And if I have to always put it off in the future, something is wrong. We can’t put him in a box, thinking “someday.” We just can’t. That’s not who God is. I can tell you that, girls. I’m older. That’s not who God is.
AUBRIE: I’ve heard so many people say that if you just trust God and stop thinking about wanting to be married, that’s exactly when he’s going to bless you with a man…
ERIN: So really, that means, It’s your fault you’re single.
AUBRIE: Right! But that would be using the Lord to get what I want. He’s not the means to an end. He is the end. And he should not be used for my gain. I do need to trust him more, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to get married because of it.
ERIN: I know that as a whole, marriage is seen as a more privileged position to be in. I also don’t think the church properly calls attention to Apostle Paul’s exhortation about singleness. It’s almost as if the only way to be sanctified is through marriage. It makes you wonder, Oh, so I’m never going to be fully matured until I get married? What’s implied — the you haven’t been married, so you can’t understand certain things — can contribute to feeling less-than or disqualified in some way.
SUZANNE: I definitely didn’t have friends who held me up to the highest standards. All throughout high school, they constantly had boyfriends and were doing things with guys. I felt this shame, especially when they’d say things like, “Oh, poor Suzanne. She doesn’t have a boyfriend.” I found myself wondering, What’s wrong with me? and lowering my standards and expectations, trying to fit in with the rest of my friend group.
The Lord was gracious in preventing me from ever having a relationship in high school. I was furious at the time. But now that I’m on the other side of it, have matured in my walk with God, and have seen his goodness more clearly, I recognize how beautiful it was.
It’s not shameful being single. It doesn’t make you any less of a human, any less of a woman, and any less desirable.
MATTANAH: What have you learned as a single person?
JULIE: I’ve learned that it’s important to have people who know enough about my life to also know when something is off. As a single it can be really easy to live different lives in different places with different people. I need people from all the various spaces of my life who have enough contact with me to know when something isn’t right. It can be hard to put ourselves in that space.
ERIN: Being a part of families and being connected to other people in general is so important — a necessity. We’re designed for community, so we can’t be an island. Being a part of someone else’s family minimizes some of the bite and sting of singleness that people commonly struggle with. But also, I’ve learned to pay attention to the fact that families need us as singles too. We have things that we can offer — and that means more than just babysitting.
ANN: The one thing I have learned is that God is good all the time. I graduated from Union, married a Union alumnus, and we had two children. After 23 years of marriage, we divorced, although we had already been separated for three years by then.
[to SUZANNE] Your feeling of shame has been a part of my journey as well.
God does hate divorce. But when you start saying God hates divorce, and you’ve got that label, it affects you. Personally, I felt that the church thought of me as a label and not as a person.
There were several times when I was wanting to spend time with people, and those people distanced themselves, saying they didn’t want to take sides. I didn’t want them to take sides. I just wanted them to be with me on that day.
The emphasis was on divorce, what I had done about it, and whether we were getting back together. I just wish they could’ve seen me as a person, not a label.
ERIN: …Or a situation to be fixed.
ANN: Yes! Yes.
MATTANAH: What does the workplace and ministry look like for a single woman? How do you find a balance between the desire for a family and the desire for a fulfilling career?
ANN: I’ve never figured out the perfect balance. I was a professional before I had children, and then I stayed home with my two children. But when Union University asked me to come teach one class in special ed, I took it, and it was like a lifeline to me. I did not realize how overwhelmed I was trying to be a stay-at-home mom, and I do believe that God gave me gifts and strengths and passion to offer learning to people.
I just know that God put me here to teach. It’s who I am at my core. Yes, I could do that at home with my children. I tried my best doing it completely at home, but I wasn’t successful. I really don’t appreciate people saying it has to be one or the other. God has different plans for different people.
ERIN: He’s just that creative.
ANN: Who knew, right?!
ASHLEY: My dream would be to open up a studio in an urban, inner-city environment. I’ve often, in fear, wondered what guy would want to do that…support me living in the middle of a rough city with neighbors who probably wouldn’t care about us. But God is so good. He cares, and he’s put that calling in my heart for a reason. So I’m sure there’s a man out there who would love to come alongside me in that. Once we realize who God is, that fear has to dwindle. He’ll provide.
MATTANAH: What advice would you give a woman at Union who is learning to embrace being single?
ANN: If God is sovereign, God is sovereign. He designed us and created us for his purpose. There are no caveats there; there’s no addendum. I find it helpful just reminding myself that his plans are not to harm us, but for us to flourish. And I hold onto that every day.
ERIN: I would ask — if you could see way out into your future that it’s not God’s will for you to be married, would you start living life differently? If your answer is yes, then start living that life right now.
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Photos by Tamara Friesen
