Weekend Watch: The Heart of Man And Finding Jesus In The Prison

“Probably the most unexplainable reality in all of the universe is how can you have everything and simply want something else that you’re told not to get. That’s madness. You’ve got billions of dollars, and you sell your soul for a quarter that you see on the ground. To try and explain that, all we can say is God gave the freedom to love, and without the choice to say no, there’s no meaning to say yes.” -Dan Allender, “The Heart of Man”

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How can I explain the reality of pornography without blushing away from the shame and perverseness it poisons lives with all around the world?

I can’t. I’m simply not that good with words.

All I can explain is the reality of waking up with tears, relieved to find myself going one whole night without allowing my fleshly desires to overtake my mind, the reality of dreading nighttime because nighttime is when the smothering temptations appear and the reality of refusing to look at myself in the mirror because I was too ashamed that I had once again relapsed.

Allow me to be blunt for the sake of not sugar-coating it: porn is a murderer, and don’t make the fatal mistake of not seeing it as such.

I lived the life of a perfect Christian girl for years before I ever let a single person see my hidden world. I had never heard of a girl who struggled with pornography or lust, and for years, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why is it that I’m trapped in the guys’ sin? 

It was easy to admit I struggled with self-image issues or jealousy because every girl I met struggled with those sins, but to admit that I was addicted to pornography was something I could never bring myself to do.

I convinced myself I was the only girl in the world perverted enough to fall into that trap, and porn was simply a sin that was too disgusting for Jesus to ever love me in.

It wasn’t until I moved to Union that the secret was uncovered. It was one of those nights where lighthearted chatter took an unexpected turn to deep, soul-exposing conversations, and when I confessed I was trapped in a sin that I never realized would destroy me as much as it did, I looked up and saw a group of girls with tears in their eyes.

“You’re the first girl I’ve ever heard confess they struggled with that too,” people all across the room said.

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My roommates were constantly nagging me to watch this incredible new documentary on Netflix that featured the author of “The Shack” and many other famous Christian speakers, musicians and authors.

It wasn’t that I was opposed to watching it, but I knew it would be one of those movies that you have to be in a crying mood for. But alas, it was a Saturday night, it was raining outside and I didn’t feel like watching any more of “The Office,” so I pulled up “The Heart of Man.”

The movie portrays a retelling of the prodigal son in a way that correlates with true testimonies given by Christians, both famous and not, who have fallen into various sexual sins. I could waste your time and write a whole article about the cinematography, the beautiful sceneries and the soundtrack that will fill your eyes with tears.

But allow me to explain the way that it helped reshape my faith instead.

Jesus Christ saved me the summer before I entered high school, but I always had a small view of Him. I wanted desperately to still feel like God needed me in the salvation plan, so I always believed I couldn’t let God in on the ways I fell short.

I saw God as the Judge. I always thought He would hate me because I could never be this perfect Christian that I tried so hard to become, so my Christian life and my secret life became two separate universes that never intertwined.

Every person’s story is different, but for me, it wasn’t so much that I was craving the actual act of sex that drew me to watch porn. It was the desire of being wanted, lusted and (in a very very twisted way) loved.

In my addiction, I saw myself and others as tools of passion- mere objects. Things that were created by God to be beautiful and pure became perverted and false. Love was a constantly changing act of lust that would inevitably fade with time. Marriage was a meaningless thing of the past because what’s the point in waiting.

I had always heard the saying “Jesus meets us where we are,” but it took this movie to actually understand what it meant in my own life.

When the subject of pornography arose in the film, I was preparing myself for the condemnation. I was ready for the movie to shout how disgusting and perverted those who watch porn are (because trust me, that’s all I ever heard in church).

But here are the words I heard: “[Jesus] wasn’t telling me to stop. He was telling me to find Him in that moment. To find what I was looking for in that moment. To search for what I’m searching for in that moment.”

Now, let me pause. Please do not misunderstand these words as excuses to not take sin seriously because “Jesus will forgive you for it anyway.” It is crucial to acknowledge the deadly effects of sin, but sometimes, simply hearing that an action is wrong is not enough to transform you.

Jesus has every right to scream at us, to give up on us, to look at us in disgust, but that’s not the story of His unexplainable, unconditional and redeeming love. To know He sits with us, intercedes on our behalf and loves us in the middle of our sin is what changes us.

When we turn to sin to satisfy our hearts with this counterfeit fulfillment, we are actively saying that His love is not enough. But to know that even when we don’t want Him, He still loves us––that is what opens our eyes.

Finding freedom is finding Jesus here. It’s finding Jesus in your prison, whatever that may look like, because trust me, He will meet you there.

“It’s one thing to read I’m loved. But for Him to be with me in my addiction, in my prison, in my sickness, in my relapse. That’s what changes me.”

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One of the most talented writers I know (and I’m not just saying that because he’s my editor) wrote an incredible article last year, speaking to the truth of pornography: the impact, the deadliness, and help.

My words simply can’t capture the poison that sexual immorality has on our hearts, and it is vital to understand the terrible reality that this sin causes and the beautiful hope that can be found. So please, do yourself a favor and read Clark’s article, Let’s Talk About Porn.