Psalm 30:6-7: “When I felt secure, I said, ‘I will never be shaken.’ O LORD, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm.”
Over the course of my 21 years of life, I have always considered myself a person of immense inner strength. Whether it has been in ministry or anything else, I have always believed that I am the person that other people can lean on when they endure struggles and hardships. Of course, I’m not trying to brag on myself when I say that (which my endless humility would never allow me to do, obviously), but I have always felt that was one of my gifts.
There was one time in particular when this gift was extremely clear in my life. On the first Sunday of the summer before my senior year of high school, I received a text message as I walked out of church that two of my classmates, one of whom was on student government with me, had died in a car accident on their way to the beach. Just two awesome people, kids who were about to enter the prime of their lives — gone in the blink of an eye.
And as the pain and agony engulfed our entire student body and community, an obvious question became apparent: Where was God when He allowed this tragedy to happen? Where is God in the midst of our pain and suffering?
I remember being the shoulder that other people cried on during those few days. I remember being the one that other people my age looked to for strength and guidance. I remember being the one who spoke to hundreds of people at a memorial service in a room that was filled with more pain and misery than any place I’ve ever been in my entire life. I remember arrogantly thinking to myself that I have to be the most emotionally tough 17-year-old in the world. And most of all, I remember that I never cried, not once.
Because strong men never cry, right?
If I could have compared myself to anyone during this time, it would probably have been Bruce Willis’ David Dunn in the movie Unbreakable. Although it is not a “superhero movie,” Dunn is basically a superhero in the film in that he is the full embodiment of the title. He has amazing strength, and he can survive literally anything that any situation throws at him. However, he discovers that, like any hero in a cliche story, he has a fatal weakness — water. For all of his strength and determination, he can drown so, so easily. And of course, it raises the question of how strong he actually is when he can be brought to his knees so easily.
Now, if you think all of this has sounded arrogant so far, then that’s good. It should. That’s who I’ve been for most of my life. While my inner strength has been a God-given gift in my life, I have allowed it at times to become a center of arrogance and pride.
There’s nothing I can’t bear or handle from anything else. I can always keep moving no matter what hardship or pain I endure. I am truly unbreakable.
Well let me tell you this: I now realize that I am more like David Dunn than I ever have. Because as strong as I have mistakenly imagined myself to be, I have been drowning while trying to move forward and endure through my own strength. Truly, I have been humbled in a way that I never expected.
Psalm 30:8-9: “To you, O LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?”
For the last several months, I have been fighting the worst battle of my life in dealing with severe depression. And for the first time in my life, I know what it’s like to feel absolutely feeble, weak and helpless. When it comes to fighting an enemy like this, I’ve almost felt like I’ve been trying to win a gun fight with a spork.
It’s been terrifying and debilitating. It’s been terrifying in that I have felt like God had finally abandoned me and left me to despair. God, you are the one who made me strong. You are the one who called me to ministry. You are the one who made me who I am. And now, you are leaving me to suffer in despair? And it has been debilitating because I have not been able to do or find passion in the things that I have always enjoyed, including writing, basketball or even ministry.
As strong as I have always imagined myself to be, I now know what it is like to feel absolutely helpless and weak. I know what it is like to not feel passion for anything anymore. And as terrified and vulnerable as it makes me feel to admit this, I know what it is like to wake up in the morning and not want to live anymore.
That’s heartbreaking and gripping. But it’s real.
If it was only a few months ago, I would have never dreamed of writing something like this. After all, I would hate to show any sign of “weakness.” However, my reason for doing so is at the heart of what I have learned over the last few months. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to feel helpless. Because it is in our weakness that God is at His strongest. And it is in the darkness where God’s light shines the brightest.
I believe in a God who chases after the prodigal son until he is home. I believe in a God who is a shepherd that endlessly searches for the lost sheep until He finds it. And I believe in a God who looks for the lost coin. I have been all of these things. In the midst of my despair, I ran away from God, looking for peace and fulfillment in the things that can never satisfy.
So if you have been struggling or even wondering how you can go on anymore, I want you to know that you can find peace in the love that God has for you. Rely on Him, not on your own strength but totally on Him, and He will bring you back home.
