Every year, Union University holds an Assessment Day to determine how they are doing as a university, allowing the student body to voice their opinions in an anonymous manner. This year, students voiced several complaints, among them the fact that urban dictionary is blocked on WiFi, the ground across campus is always wet, and perhaps most importantly, the fact that they were alone, so terribly alone.
“I have never had a girlfriend,” said undeclared senior Chad Jedermann. “Part of this was due to the fact that the only ladies I ever had contact with before Union were my mother and sisters/classmates, seeing as I was homeschooled. I just never met many people outside of my family.”
Jedermann’s complaint is shared by many members of the student body, according to the anonymous results of the Assessment Day survey. The graph is shown below, with each undergraduate student’s result included:
With these dramatic results, the university met over spring break, determined to solve this crisis. Union spokesperson Lee Dermon held the university’s first monthly press conference earlier this morning, an excited glow on his face.
“We are excited to announce Union Union, a dating – er, I mean, courting – website and app specifically for all Union students,” Dermon said in the press conference. “In addition to boosting population at all local churches starting in nine months, we have no doubt that the release of this app will boost incoming classes, especially in certain demographics, such as the homeschooled community.”
When asked by reporters if there were any plans for sex education or consent workshops to counteract possible negative results of “Union Union,” Dermon and the university were unavailable for comment.
The release of the website and mobile application will coincide with the beginning of a new office in the SUB, the Office of Student Relationships. Chris Harrison, renowned relationship expert who has worked with the American Broadcasting Company and several celebrities to find their spouses, has been hired on to head up the office.
When asked what she thought about the app, astrology major Soo Di Nimm said, “I thought about the fact that the PAC leaks whenever it rains, how we don’t have a pool or a place for students of both genders to gather if the Bowld and library are closed, but ultimately I really just want a boyfriend. I think the app is a great idea!”
Union Union’s official motto is derived from 1 Corinthians 7:9, Paul’s words to the church on marriage: “Date! Don’t Wait! Then Procreate!” The Office of Student Relationships has volunteered to grant a free pro-account to any students who get this motto tattooed on their forearm.
The app was designed by Jim Avery and others in the university IT department and was purposefully crafted to have a simple, easy-to-use interface, accessible by anyone. To sign up, students will use their Union username and password, allowing for the Office of Student Relationships and other parts of the university to keep track of all ongoing and past relationships in an Excel spreadsheet. The students must also guarantee that they will always be modest.
After signing up, the students are free to use the Union Union app at any time of day, any day of the week: Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4-9 p.m., Fridays and Saturdays from 2 p.m. to 12 a.m., and Sundays from 12 p.m. to 9 p.m. Bluetooth will need to be turned on the entire time so that Harrison and others can ensure that students are never alone.
“Just like the CIA,” Harrison says, “we are watching. Always watching.”
Happy April Fools’ Day.
