Background
On Sept. 29, Caroline Hinrichs and Naomi Mengel set out on a mission to acquire essential and much sought-after information: which fast food water is superior?
Mengel is a Delaware native and filtered tap water enthusiast. The opportunity to taste different fast food waters excited her, and she had no idea which she would like best.
Hinrichs is from St. Louis, which basically has the best tap water west of the Mississippi. Consequently, she has an incredibly high water standard. She believed Taco Bell or McDonald’s would come out on top.
We assigned scores out of 10 to each water with regard to its price, cup, amount and quality of ice, time it took to acquire the water, taste of the water and cronchiness of the ice (this last criterion will be further discussed later). For final ratings, we averaged all scores except time, since this is likely to vary wildly depending on the hour at which one goes to any given drive thru, and price, which we will discuss separately when relevant.
It should be noted that these are highly subjective ratings, and our purpose here was simply to explore the different merits of various fast food waters. Follow along as we pursue this arcane knowledge with due protocol and decorum.
Experiment
9:54 p.m.
We leave our dorm, having equipped ourselves with our largest cozy sweatshirts (Naomi), sandals with socks (Caroline) and a list of five fast food restaurants with drive-thrus that are open at this hour.
9:57 p.m.
We set out in Doris, Caroline’s beloved Ford Fusion and cousin of her first car, Dora, for the first stop of our mission: Cook Out.
10:01 p.m.
“Hi, I just need two ice waters. I think that’ll be it,” Caroline says at the drive-thru speaker after a frenzied discussion between the two of us about whether to get ice or no ice. We agree to get ice because it’s an essential aspect of the water experience. Good, cronchy ice can elevate a water, while large, slimy ice chunks can detract from the experience.
10:07 p.m.
Cook Out is already winning because they don’t charge us for the water. But now comes the moment of truth: how will it fare with regard to cup, ice quality, taste and cronch?
Naomi’s Review: Curb Appeal
The foam Cook Out cup, with its classic black and red design and a solid flat, inset lid style, immediately appeals to me. Upon preliminary examination, the ice that occupies approximately the upper third of the cup (a good ratio) looks rather delicious, but it does not cronch quite as satisfyingly as it appears. This particular ice also has the tendency to splinter and slide up the straw to catch the unsuspecting drinker unawares, which can be an uncomfortable experience. The water itself tastes fine, though the aftertaste is a bit like when you drink water in the morning before brushing your teeth. All in all, I would still purchase this water for the convenient lid design, relatively good ice cronchiness and good ice-to-water ratio, but I’m more likely to splurge for a milkshake. (Side note: if you haven’t tried Cook Out’s banana pudding milkshake, you need to.) 6.5/10
Caroline’s Review: Chick-fil-A Imposter
It’s the metallic taste for me. Cook Out’s water, although decent enough to get the job done if you want to feel like you’re being healthy at a fast food joint, tastes a bit too much like there’s a corroded pipe somewhere in the tap. If you’re going to go to Cook Out, you might as well go all the way and get a shake. Or better yet, get a bottled water with your tray. The knobby-looking ice doesn’t help much either. It looked fantastically cronchy at first, but its unsolicited intrusion of tiny, broken-off spikes through the straw when you go to take a drink solidifies its spot as a Chick-fil-A ice imposter (the holy grail of ice). Lastly, the Cook Out cup design is a solid component. The foam negates any potential sweating, and the lid doesn’t feel like it would let a single drop spill if I tipped it upside down (perhaps a slight dramatization). Although the black and red design is a little basic, my overall opinion of the cup stays high. 4.9/10
10:11 p.m.
We set off for Wendy’s. Naomi has actually never been to this location before, but our hopes are high and our standards for water are higher.
10:13 p.m.
Caroline orders two ice waters again.
10:15 p.m.
Just two minutes later, we have our water, despite there being another vehicle in front of us. 10/10 for the service here.
Naomi’s Review: Serve With Baconator
Wendy’s ice would be excellent to simply hold in one’s mouth on a hot day, but it neither cronches nor looks cronchable, being the type of ice I refer to as “slimy chunks.” However, for someone who does not tear into ice as devotedly as I, this rating could be vastly different. The ratio of ice to water is lovely. The cup is a bit flimsy and soon begins sweating profusely, but its bright red and blue design make it the most colorful of all those we sampled. I also appreciated the cheerful red straw. For some reason, this water tastes sweet, which confuses me more than anything else, hence my reasonably average final rating. This water is certainly adequate to wash down that salty and delicious Baconator, but I’d probably go with a soda instead (especially since Wendy’s usually has those Freestyle machines, which are my favorite place in the world to waste time and come to terms with my indecisiveness). 3.3/10
Caroline’s Review: The Plebeian’s Water
Wendy’s cubed ice works to keep your water cold, so it’s functional, and I appreciate that. I’m not the biggest ice croncher out there, so it doesn’t bother me too much that I won’t be able to cronch as long as it serves its icy purpose. That being said, the cronch factor is quite low for Wendy’s, so if I were going to cronch on something, this would not be it. The cup, with its red, white and blue design (‘Murica!) is cute but extremely sweaty. If you wanted to bring this water to class—to flex that Wendy’s trip, of course—you would instantly get that little annoying water circle on your desk that would accidentally soak your notebook, sleeve, etc. The paper cup also feels a bit like paper mache, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I was able to crush it in my hand in the next hour. In regard to taste, I concur with Naomi on the sweetness factor. The aftertaste also leaves a load of bitterness on your palette, which is a weird combination, to be sure. Again, if you want to feel healthy at a fast food restaurant this may be sufficient to choke down, but you might as well go for the Frosty if you’re already here. Wendy’s Twitter, please don’t come after me. 4.2/10
10:23 p.m.
Off to Sonic. The car’s limited cupholders are starting to fill with sweaty cups of water.
10:26 p.m.
66 cents? Sonic can no longer win … or can it?
10:29 p.m.
Caroline looks through the drive thru window. “Ooh, they got foam cups.”
A moment later, the lady at the drive thru hands us two medium waters in the cup carrier we asked for and apologizes for the wait, saying it’s just her and one other worker. We thank her and decide to award Sonic an honorary 10/10 for time (even though we end up not averaging time into the final score).
Naomi’s Review: Nostalgia On Ice
This is my favorite overall fast food water experience of those we sampled. Immediately, the classic Sonic design and non-sweating foam set this cup on par with Cook Out’s. Sonic ice both looks and cronches almost exactly like a sno-cone, meaning that, for me, it’s only the risk of being impaled in the throat by an unexpected piece of ice emerging from the straw that keeps this category from scoring a 10. However, the approximate 1:3 ratio of ice to water alleviates much of this issue. As for the taste, this water threw me back to being seven years old and coming in from playing in the backyard at my home in Delaware, getting filtered tap water from the faucet and drinking it thirstily before running back out to make “wilderness stew” out of dirt, grass and cherry pits in the sandbox. The nostalgia makes this water’s taste score the second highest for me and boosts it to first place for overall experience. 8.9/10
Caroline’s Review: The Dark Horse
The dark horse of the fast food water chronicles just raced into the lead. Honestly, I did not expect Sonic to be anywhere near the top, but I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the promising nature of their cronchy ice. Once I cronched down on one of those little icy orbs, and it immediately melted in my mouth, I knew I had a new favorite. Forget hockey, Sonic’s water is the true “Miracle on Ice.” If Chick-fil-A is the pinnacle of fast food ice, this is a close second. The cup, as previously mentioned, is made of a fantastic foam, and it has a nice minimalist design that isn’t overwhelming. Although the lid is somewhat flimsy, I’ll take the non-sweaty cup as a win. Sonic’s water seems to have a slight hint of metallic flavor, but only if I pay attention. Maybe I only notice because St. Louis water is utter perfection. Overall, Sonic is my favorite so far, and I wouldn’t be scared to carry this cup and its contents with me to sip on throughout the day. 9.4/10
10:39 p.m.
Caroline pulls out of the Sonic parking space. “My credit card’s gonna look like someone was testing it.”
10:42 p.m.
Taco Bell takes our order immediately, and it’s all Naomi can do to refrain from adding a Baja Blast, one of her favorite sodas on this planet. But that would compromise our mission.
10:44 p.m.
We get our water and head to McDonald’s across the street.
10:47 pm.
55 cents for the McDonald’s waters? This had better be worth it.
10:53 p.m.
We have our McDonald’s water after Caroline hands the cashier a wet credit card from trying to scoop the ice out of the Taco Bell cup for the cronch test. The lady makes an indiscernible face when she catches sight of the eight other fast food water cups all over the vehicle and Naomi passively sipping Taco Bell water in the passenger seat while typing in an Excel document on her laptop. In the intermediate time, we’ve completed most of our Taco Bell water discussion.
Naomi’s Review: Baja Blast Who?
It should first be noted that Taco Bell’s Baja Blast is king among liquids, and I had to consciously restrain myself so I would not ruin our experiment by rewarding my palate with the taste of that nectar of the gods. However, the Taco Bell water experience scored fairly high for me. Taco Bell water tastes like the water my dad would keep in a large plastic cooler bottle when camping. We’d pour the water into cups or just waterfall it into our mouths, inhaling the murky but delicious scent of the woods along with the plastic taste. It tasted like freedom and sustenance, as does Taco Bell water. Anyway, lest I wax too poetic about the taste, the ice was a bit of a hang-up for me. The cup was so full of ice that the straw could not be forced to the bottom. The very parallelogrammatic (this is indeed a word) ice was extremely difficult to cronch, and I could feel it splintering in my mouth instead of shattering, my preferred texture of cronchable ice. However, the taste alone elevates this water among waters to the status of Baja Blast among sodas, despite low ratings in other areas. 5.2/10
Caroline’s Review: The Dirty Dugout
I must concur with Naomi about the Baja Blast; there are simply no comparisons. Likewise, the Taco Bell ice left something to be desired with its inordinate ice to water ratio. I felt like I was trying to insert a USB plug the wrong way with how much I jammed that straw into the bottom with no success. The Xbox-sponsored cup was also not ideal, as that swampy green had me feeling like I was drinking out of some Shrek kiddie cup. However, the lid was immaculate. Its inset design and obstinate fit to the cup made it the best lid of the night. I wouldn’t be scared to put this into the sketchy cup holder on my side door. Taco Bell’s taste was a little harder to rate. It was like that water in a dirty middle school softball dugout that you get out of a giant orange dispenser and pour into those mushy paper triangle cups. A little plastic-y, but you get it because you want to look as cool as the other kids who swish it around their mouth and spit it out onto the dirt. A universal experience, I’m sure. It gets points for nostalgia, but not my favorite. 4.8/10
11:01 p.m.
“This is my favorite water so far,” Caroline says, sipping the McDonald’s sample. But the taste is only one part of the experiment.
Naomi’s Review: Keepin’ It Classy
McDonald’s may be known for its spicy Sprite, but the McDonald’s water is also a solidly enjoyable experience. The cup tends to sweat, but the iconic striped McDonald’s straw elevates the score in that category. (Yes, this is important to consider.) While the softly rectangularly shaped ice doesn’t look cronchy upon initial viewing, its cronchiness is second only to Sonic ice, which sets a rather high standard, and the ice takes up approximately a third of the cup, which, as I have previously stated, is my preferred ratio of ice to water. As for the water itself, it tastes a bit like the water they keep in plastic pitchers and serve in those little squat glass goblets at conferences and fancy church events with which I constantly refill my cup so I can have something to do with my hands while the speakers are talking. So McDonald’s water is now irrevocably associated in my mind with heavy maroon tablecloths, floating candle centerpieces, blazers and name tags. All in all, an excellently classy experience, though I must say it was unnatural for me to go to McDonald’s and pass on ordering fries. 8.1/10
Caroline’s Review: Water Royalty
An excellent companion to the salty fries, McDonald’s water was my favorite tasting water of the night. It is quite reminiscent of Cobo water, which is unironically my favorite thing about Cobo. If I were to describe any of my Cobo dinner excursions, at some point I guarantee one of my quotes would be “Cobo water slaps!” as I headed off to get another glass. McDonald’s water also somewhat reminds me of the highly controversial Dasani water, which I realize is a severe hot take, but let me live my life in peace, please. Moreover, the cup is pretty sweaty, so it loses points for that. But the fat striped straw is my favorite of the night. It really lets you chug when you want to cram three days of missed hydration into a single meal. As far as ice goes, it has a solid cronch that functions to keep your water cold for a long period of time with its lasting cubes. At the end of the day, McDonald’s deserves its place among fast food royalty in the water department with its excellent taste and chonky straw. 7.3/10
11:06 p.m.
The water cups continue to accumulate, so we make use of our drink holders from Sonic and Taco Bell to organize Doris’ backseat. We both could really use a bathroom break right about now, but we soldier on to our final destination: Arby’s.
“We’re going to be so hydrated,” Naomi says.
11:09 p.m.
Arby’s is closed by now, much to our chagrin. But we have not failed. Another McDonald’s lies in our path, and we crave the sweet sustenance of fries.
11:14 p.m.
After Caroline drives loops around the McDonald’s by Kroger, we finally make it to the drive-thru—only to find it closed.
11:18 p.m.
We’re back at the first McDonald’s, ready for our fries. Caroline worries that the drive thru lady will remember the wet credit card fiasco.
11:29 p.m.
$3.06 later, we have secured the fries and completed the experiment. We are now legends at the 45 Bypass McDonalds, and we also really need to use the bathroom after an hour and a half of water tasting. Caroline’s allergy sniffles from earlier in the day have disappeared, as have Naomi’s verbal filters. But both our cupholders and our hearts are full.
Ideas For Further Experimentation:
In the spirit of scientific enterprise, we would like to offer a few suggestions for anyone who wishes to replicate or further our research.
1) Bring a control water (like Cobo water or a bottled water) to sip in between to cleanse the palate. Set this water as a standard by which you can assign numerical values for each category instead of doing so arbitrarily, as we did. This could make for a more consistent experiment in the fast-paced and competitive field of water tasting.
2) Empty all your cupholders beforehand. This will save you a significant amount of organizational stress.
3) Leave an hour or so earlier to ensure all your scouted locations will be open by the time you arrive. However, part of the fast food water experience is acquiring it at a late hour of the day, so you ought to take that into consideration as well.
Conclusions:
Fast food water is an entire experience, as the price, cup, amount and quality of ice, cronchiness of the ice and taste are all essential to this discussion. Additionally, one’s background in water consumption must be taken into consideration. Mengel, an avid ice croncher, held to a particularly high standard in both ice categories, while Hinrichs cared more specifically to find water with a non-metallic taste.
For both Mengel and Hinrichs, Sonic ultimately reigned supreme, with McDonald’s a close second. Depending on your particular standards, you may prefer any of these waters over the others, but we hope our highly scientific research can guide you in your quest for the superior fast food water experience.
